God used my parents while I was still very young to show me that I was a sinner and needed to be saved. I grew up in a typical Christian home with parents who brought us to church every Sunday and worked hard to raise their three kids. Growing up, I struggled to read; God used this to shape me.
The problem I had with my reading and spelling shaped me in this way; I didn't want anyone to know that I had the problem, and I would do anything to keep myself from going into situations that would cause this feeling to surface. On the outside, I was the opposite, a very outgoing silly person who would try to make people laugh, and I was happy on the inside as long as my secret was never revealed. Over time I grew in the skill of hiding it. My parents pulled me out of school after telling them that I would never read. I was able to hide my secret even more as a homeschooler. I would physically feel sick even over the thought of telling someone about my reading and spelling.
But the secrets didn't end there. You see, the devil is a liar, and he tries to pin people down with sin and crush them under the weight of it. Keeping my sins secret entrapped me in a cycle, and only God could set me free. I was very good at keeping my secrets. (If you're ever bound in sin and want to be free, confess to God first and then confess your sins to someone. It is incredible how God uses that to free us.) But at the time, I did not know that. I always kept my secrets.
I left this trash inside myself, never fighting it as I should have. I knew God was real and confessed him as Lord, but I always had my sin ready to strike at any moment. It was devastating to me. But it humbled me; even in that darkness, there is a bright side; I never feel better than anyone else, and it constantly drove me into prayer.
I know I was saved when I was a young child despite all the sins I had committed. I can say that with confidence because Jesus has been my hope. I always trusted in Jesus to save me. Even in my darkest times, I would repent and plead with God to take away my sins. My "backsliding" made me think that maybe I was not saved, but I would always come back to Jesus as my only hope. He is our only hope.
In 1999 I married my beautiful wife, and we now have four sons. My family is a blessing from the Lord that I do not deserve.